The simple reason why I don’t have a girlfriend is because I am not ready to take any responsibilities; and I am not settling soon. Girls, don’t be offended by my statement. Yes, I really want to have a girlfriend in my life but it’s not the basic needs. It’s just a desire or say a new trend of the modern society. There were times in my life when I used to get jealous of young couples, who were so much into each other. Other times I feel lucky that I am single because you are not bondage to anything; you are free to do what you want. You spent more time with yourself, and question yourself, ‘Why am I still single?’
I jumped into a relationship half a decade ago; actually I was the bad guy trying to break someone’s relationship. I never knew a small hello will make a big impact in my life. There was this girl in my college whom I started to like, and not too long, we were talking and messaging. We met face to face, and I was totally mesmerized by her beauty.
I told myself that I am not falling in love, but my heart won’t agree with me. It was only a matter of year, and I am upgraded to the level of boyfriend. I was like her direct reporting manager. I took control of the relationship, and it’s a crazy journey. I knew she have a boyfriend, but I won’t give up on her. I was her trouble maker for five years. There were times when we’re just ourselves and the world is only us. I don’t remember how many times I’ve asked her hand. She would sometimes say yes and sometimes no. I waited her for five damn years to let her break up with her boyfriend.
We’re the craziest couple in the whole world in those five years, she considered me as her best friend, and I considered her as the love of my life. She never give up on me, this is one reason it keeps me going after her. I have seen her having a hard time with her boyfriend and my heart was a safe haven for her. I thought she love me, indeed she does as a friend but never as a lover. On the other hand, I assumed that she love me, though I knew she don’t. I just don’t want to disappoint myself.
I was told by my parents not to give up on the things which I love, but I think they were wrong to some extend sometimes. It’s best to give up when you can’t hold on anymore. After a serious research, I decided to give up on her. I totally disconnected her from my life. She is now a stranger who knows all my ups and downs. I still miss her, and I often whisper her name when I closed my eyes in prayers.
I regretted that I jump into a relationship which was never mine, now, the result is I am disconnecting her from my life whom I thought will be the love of my life. If ever I approached her as a friend back then, I know we will be the best friends forever. I regretted that I considered her as my girlfriend; I regretted that I broke her relationship many times; I regretted that I have wasted her time; I regretted that I couldn’t be her friend; I regretted and regretted.
…But I forgive myself.